Am I?

Am I really this bad? Am I really just a bad person that makes everyone mad or sad....never happy? Why do I always get pushed down and/or replaced by someone that is better. why cant anyone just take me for who I am, not what they want me to be? Why do I have to be replaced by someone or something that lives far away. why do I just suck. why do pol just use me instead of becoming a part of me. I feel like I should put up walls when sooner or later someone or something will take it down. I tried to give everything I have to the world but the world just consumed what I had and threw me aside. I ask myself "if the world really loves me, then why does it use me? why does it take everything I have and push me down? smother me until I give in?" I look back and see that I was in a dream, knowing that it would become a nightmare with a flip of a switch. knowing that what I do in my future would determine who and what changes around me. I cnt breathe, I cnt sleep, I cnt eat....all I can do is think. Think of what I went through. Think of what I love and hated. I saw more love than hate but many ppl saw more hate then love. I feel like I was the cause of the situation. the cancer to prostate. the virus in which infected the world. I feel like if I just died, that the world would become perfect. that the world would just become sinless and aimless. where every disease would be cure. no drama would happen. and where everyone would be actually happy.

I'll just lay in this hole, sitting....thinking.....wondering who will rescue me. If no one rescues me then I'll leave a will and my carcass for anyone who finds me. and in that will, I will leave steps on how to not go where I have gone. where they can be happy instead of acting happy.


I sit here....listening...and I hear....crickets...cars passing by....and the rooster crowing in the distance. the moon is gleaming in the sky, but I sit here....blind. only with a paper and pen shall I write what I feel. and if I were to die, my hopes that someday a guy or gal will pick up that note and read and show what not to do.


last thing to know. I feel as if I'm a lost child in a world of darkness. crying for help. but no one comes. I feel like that. so I ask you readers....am I just nothing....am I just someone who will be in misery forever?....who will just keep putting walls and being used by the world.



am I???


-The Jap Files

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